


Ar Lan Y Môr Mae 'Nghariad Inne

by Robertshandsaremyweakness



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-11
Updated: 2018-10-11
Packaged: 2019-07-29 17:00:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,670
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16268531
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Robertshandsaremyweakness/pseuds/Robertshandsaremyweakness
Summary: Sometimes the only place you can find yourself is the last place you remember being happy....





	1. Chapter 1

"Get out, Robert! Get the fuck out of here! I never want to see you again! I hate you! I wish to God I'd never fucking met you! You ruin everything! Get out!" 

Robert Sugden watched as his beautiful collection of Gieves and Hawkes shirts were thrown unceremoniously on to the gravel below the Surrey hotel balcony on which his furious now ex-fiance Lucy was standing. Her face was a mask of pure fury and rage and the features that had once enchanted him were contorted like a Halloween mask of a witch. She knew. He knew it but it might be worth a half-hearted effort to get her to give him another chance. He widened his blue eyes in that innocent little boy lost way he knew usually worked. 

"What happened? What have I done?" 

"Oh my God, are you serious?! I just had Janna on the phone. Remember her? My best friend that you fucked? On our bed?! She told me this morning, crying and begging forgiveness. What the fuck is wrong with you?!" 

"She's lying! I didn't do that! I wouldn't do that to you! I told you she tries to come between us! Don't listen to her! Please just give me a chance to prove it to you!" 

Even as these words left his mouth, a kind of hollow nothingness crept over him. He felt nothing. Not for her. Not for this wedding. Nothing. 

"No! No, you are not doing that! You are not deflecting the blame on to her! You are nothing more than an opportinistic fuckboy without a soul! She is my best friend and I've known her forever, you are nothing, Robert! I will forgive her because I know you! I know what you are like and how you operate and how you can smell weakness in people like blood in the water! You are finished here! We are done. Just go!" 

"Is there nothing I can say to you?! Please, Luce, don't do this to us!"

He sounded like a bad actor, all show and no substance. This was it. She really was dumping him. And he felt nothing. 

"I didn't. You did. Fuck off, Robert. I hate you for this. It's over."

The rest of his luggage was then thrown down and he was faced with the humiliation of picking it up off the gravel as one of his lovely Chanel shoes landed inches from his head. Robert had known Janna was a mistake but he could never resist trying where beauty and the need for validation intersected in the eyes of a woman with low self esteem and even lower standards. He'd met Lucy at a conference for something he couldn't quite remember and had latched on to her. She had ticked the appropriate boxes. Pretty, rich, ambitious to a degree and nearing the crisis stage of a woman's life in the late thirties where its better to be with a wrong 'un than alone. She was a few years older than Robert but that was fine. It made her feel good to hook a younger man. Now, after a year of going through the motions, it was done. 

Had he loved really? No. His heart had never sparked with her. He liked her he supposed but love, no. God, he was so stupid. He should never have let it get this far and now it was all ruined. 

As he loaded his car with his things, he suddenly became very tired. What kind of life was this, really? This was the third almost marriage to crash and burn because he couldn't get a grip and actually be faithful. It was all his fault. Why couldn't he ever just make it work? Why did it always fail because of him? What was wrong with him? 

Everything and that was just the truth. He had been running in one way or another for years and it was time to stop. There was only so long good looks and bullshit would help him survive and then what? When he looked in the mirror these days, the man staring back was gaunt, tired and unknown to him. Loneliness and always being one lie away from being thrown away again was exhausting and he was so tired of it. Where do you go when there is nowhere to go? No family to speak of, no real friends, no nothing. Robert was alone in the world. He had always known that. Being with Lucy only exascerbated that feeling and now it had changed into a kind of numbness with her around. 

Getting behind the wheel and driving away, Robert had a longing in him that he realised hadn't been listened to in such a long time. He wanted to see the sea. That raw, elemental beauty that didn't care if it was a good day or bad, the tide went in and out. He wanted to plant his naked feet into freezing water and feel everything. He wanted to be real. Where had that come from? When was the last time he had seen it like that? Not pretty for tourists but raw? Wales. Ten years ago. Watching the sun set over Barmouth Bay, his head covered by his green oversized hoodie, his lap warm from fish and chips and the feeling of real peace calming his soul. Before the world had imploded and a boy with no protection had had to make his own way home. Maybe he could find that kind of peace again. What the hell did he have to lose really?

Within an hour, Robert was on the M4 heading west, determined to find some small piece of that happy boy in the last place he had seen him.


	2. Chapter 2

It took hours, far longer than Robert had really antiscipated but he didn't care as cities gave way to rugged country. He had stopped along the way for a quick break and a overly expensive coffee. His phone was full of texts not many of which he cared to answer. Most of them were angry and disappointed. One fired him from Lucy's company. He found he didn't particularly care about that. Robert had managed to squirrel away enough money to live for a while without worrying too much. Jobless, single, free. There are worse states of being. He sent three of his own.

The first to Lucy - I am sorry despite what you might think. 

The second to Lucy's bastard of a brother, Thomas who never failed to make Robert feel beyond worthless and had sent the nastiest of all the texts - You win. She's all yours, just the way you want her. 

The third to Janna - I always knew you were a weak bitch. Fuck you for everything. 

He lay the new iPhone X on the concrete paving slab by the entrance of the service station and stamped on it until the screen cracked and it was beyond repair. Then he threw it in the bin, walked into the service station and bought a map and a cheap, shitty phone and a sim card. 

It took him a further four hours to get to Barmouth. The winding country roads Wales claimed were A roads were wonderful as if he was finally escaping from all the baggage from city life. Snowdonia National Park was a gift in itself. If ever there was a place where the soul could heal, it was here. He had always felt as if he was wearing a costume in that other life. There was nothing really real or secure in it. At the flip of a coin, the turn of a card or the whisper of an inconvienient truth,the castle built on sand would dissolve. This has to be different now. Reality only now. 

The road bent around ancient rock, beneath canopys of forest, passed brooks, lakes and streams and moved in pleasing curves and finally, there it was. Barmouth Bridge stretched out to touch the steep hill on the other side and the tide, so powerful in her majesty was slamming itself into the harbour. It was wonderful and already he felt a sense of being restored to himself. He parked in the town which was still busy with visitors and their dogs and set about finding himself somewhere to lay his head. His legs welcomed the stretch as he walked amoung all these strangers whose names he didn't know and faces he had never seen. The beach went on for miles and he couldn't wait to walk it. 

He was free. Free of the weight of any expectation whether real or imaginary. Free of being anyone other than himself. What a truly beautiful idea.....

At the moment when Robert's thoughts were bending in this lovely way, a man was half thrown, half pushed out of one of the pubs and right into him. 

"Hey! What the fuck did you do that for, you prick?!" he screamed at the 16 stone of man mountain that had helped him out. 

"You don't fucking start that shit in my pub and get away with it now fuck off back to your mam's dive and sober up!" 

"Fuck you, wanker!" 

"Yeah, yeah.....piss off you little fairy" This last remark was like a red rag to a raging bull and the man lunged at the mountain with little effect. The mountain merely pushed against his chest and the man fell. 

" You fucking .....!!!" A Welsh expletive Robert didn't understand followed.

"Go. Home" The mountain went back into his pub without another word. 

Robert had watched all of this from the pavement where he had got up from falling. The man was slightly shorter than him with short cropped black hair and a growing beard. He was wearing a black short sleeved t-shirt which revealed a tattoo on his powerfully defined upper arm. It was the head of a dragon. It was blue, each scale defined by the skill of the artist with flames shooting out of its mouth and black claws that seemed to bury themselves into the man's flesh. Beneath it was the word "Cymru" is an elegant script. Black jeans and heavy looking boots completed him. He turned to Robert and two grey blue eyes which looked like they could kill or cure bore into him. He had a lovely face with high cheekbones and the look of a warrior who was battle scarred and ready for more, even as it twisted into a snarl. Somewhere low in Robert's belly, something pulled and that acute sensation of blood and desire swept over him. Christ Jesus, he was beautiful......

"What the fuck are you looking at?!" 

"You just knocked me over!" 

"What?"

"That guy threw you out and you knocked me over!" 

"That's not my problem, mate"

"It should be, you sent me flying!"

"Are you starting something with me?" He said, every word musical and precise. His accent was sharp but lovely. 

The man took a step or two into Robert's personal space and Robert could have sworn his eyes went to his mouth. Those grey blue eyes were angry now, his fists clenched, teeth bared. Robert put his hands up in surrender. Personal violence was not his strong suit and this guy was clearly not afraid to fight. 

"No, I'm not. Sorry, I just got here. I'm not starting anything with anyone." 

"Are you here long?" 

"A week or longer if I want to" 

"Yeah, you look like a tourist." The word was riddled with disgust. "Stay out of my way, understand?" A long index finger pointed at Robert and jabbed into his chest to emphasise the last word before its owner stalked away. Robert watched him leave until he couldn't see him anymore once the man turned a corner. His heart was pounding and the place that finger had jabbed at him was still warm. Wow....

He shouldn't be impressed by that, shouldn't be turned on by that and yet who was he? That was....amazing. Welcome to Wales, indeed. He turned up a side street that led up to the top of the town, where the view of the sea was breathtaking. Yes, this was the place for him no matter if he offended the locals. 

At the top of the hill, there was a boarding house with a "Vacancies" board across the sign which said Emmerdale Guest House. He walked in and found the reception empty. He rang the bell and waited. Nothing. 

"Hello?" he called. 

"Oh, hello, love. Sorry, I was doing something out the back. Can I help you?"

A very lovely woman he judged to be in her mid to late forties with long dark curly hair and a wide smile came out. Her accent was not Welsh but Robert couldn't quite place it. She exeuded welcome and warmth. Robert liked her immediately. 

" Yes. I'd like a room, please" 

"How long for?" 

"A week to begin with and then I may extend it if that's okay?" 

"Of course, love. That's fine. Fill this out for me would you?" She passed him a booking in form and a pen. 

'Where are you from?" he said. "You don't sound local." 

"If by "not local", you mean not Welsh that's because I'm not. I'm a Yorkshire lass. The Dales to be more precise. Emmerdale is the village I grew up in and when I moved here, I wanted to take a piece of home with me. Where are you from?" 

"That's nice. I came from Surrey today." 

"All that way? You must be exhausted!" 

"Yeah, it did take a while. Worth it though. I needed to come back. It's been too long." 

"Do you have family here Mr.....Sugden?" she said, looking at his booking form. 

"No, no family. But still, I loved it here when I came as a teenager and I needed to see it again. What's your name?" 

"Chastity. Chastity Dingle. In my family, we open our old Bible and the first name we see, is the one. I drew the short straw...." 

"No, that's nice!" 

" Ha ha, yeah, try being a teenage girl with that name once they figure out what it means! No, call me Chas, Mr Sugden. Everyone else does. Do you want me to show you up?" 

"Yes, thanks. It's Robert, by the way. Please call me Robert." 

"Okay. I'll show you up then, Robert" 

They climbed two sets of stairs before Chas stopped at a room with the number 28 on it. She unlocked the door and stepped inside. The room was light, airy with a beautiful view of the bay. It was clean, tidy and had everything Robert needed. 

"Here you are then, Robert. Will this do?" 

"More than do, Chas. Thank you." 

"You're welcome, love. If you need anything, I'm downstairs. I hope you enjoy Barmouth. It gets under your skin this place." 

"I know. I've already had a welcome from a local drunk so it can only get better" 

"Really?" 

"Yeah, he was being thrown out from one of the pubs and he was thrown into me and then he threatened me, so that was nice." 

"What did he look like? I might know him." 

"Youngish, short black hair, blue dragon tattoo on his arm....." he stopped as he saw recognition flood her face. "Have I said something wrong?" 

"No, love. I just know who you mean. That was Aaron. My son."


	3. Chapter 3

The next morning, Robert had retrieved his car, sorted out his clothes and had resolved to avoid Chas at all costs. She had been fine to his face but could tell she was worried about her son. His description of him - Aaron - as the local drunk was embarrasing to say the least. Twenty four hours ago, he wouldn't have cared but this had to be different. If Robert was ever going to change, it meant having uncomfortable conversations. Which also meant not avoiding Chas and any anger she might have for how he described Aaron. He made his way down to the reception but stopped halfway down the stairs when he heard raised voices. 

"Stop trying to control me, Mam! You can't tell me how to live my life! I'm tired of it!" 

"You know what I'm tired of? Watching you drink yourself stupid for no reason and you've been fighting again! What for, Aaron?! You threatened Robert for what?!" 

"Who the fuck is Robert?!" 

"The man in Room 28 that you knocked over and then threatened for no reason! He walked in off the street, booked a room for a whole week at least which might just keep us afloat and then mentioned this to me! I was so embarrassed, Aaron! Why do you do that?" 

"I don't know...." he sounded genuinely ashamed. "I didn't think....I was...." 

"Drunk. Yes, again! It's got to stop, Aaron please! For your own sake as well as mine, son! Please stop this!" 

"I'm sorry, Mam..." 

"It's only because I love you so much, Aaron. I want you to be happy. Why aren't you happy?" 

"I don't know.....I want to be, Mam. I want to be...." 

"Do you need to go to the doctor again, love?" Robert heard the trepidation in her voice. 

"No! Mam, please, it's fine! I'm on my meds."

"You promise?" Chas whispered. 

"Mam....don't...." 

Aaron's voice cracked and Robert realised he was crying. The sound of it hurt. How was that possible? Hearing so much vulnerability coming from Aaron was heartbreaking and made Robert want to care for him. That ought to freak him out to have feelings for this beautiful stranger and yet, it felt right somehow. 

Robert peeped around the corner and Chas was hugging Aaron and Aaron's head was tucked over her shoulder, his arms around her. Robert moved away and Aaron caught him in his peripheral vision. 

"Robert?" he said.

Robert came around the corner and looked them both in the eyes. Those beautiful grey blue eyes were larger now, tinged with tears and redness which somehow made him more attractive and not less. Aaron quickly dashed them away with his hand. 

"Sorry, I was just going out. I didn't mean to overhear." 

"It's alright, Robert. I think Aaron has something he wants to say to you, don't you, son?" Chas herself was teary eyed and covered it quickly with one of her smile. 

Robert saw a bristling of indignation flow over Aaron's broad shoulders at his mother's instructions before his better judgement overtook and a large hand was extended in front of him with a deep sigh. 

"I'm sorry, mate. That was wrong of me. That was my fault, not yours." 

Robert put his hand in Aaron's and shook it firmly. He didn't want to let go. Like a puzzle piece snapping into place to complete a picture, Robert felt his heart skipping and warmth flood his chest at Aaron's touch. 

"It's okay. Apology accepted. No worries. It's all good." 

Robert looked at Aaron and a thrill of something radiant ran through him as he saw Aaron's jaw torque, his pupils dilate and his chest rise and fall slightly quicker than usual. Robert knew Aaron didn't want to let go either. One of them was going to have to let go first. They looked at each other, torn between which one would end it first. After three. 1....2....

Aaron let go and Robert's hand seemed to ache with emptiness. Robert tried to maintain eye contact but Aaron looked at his feet and shuffled awkwardly. No, please, look at me....

"There, now. So, we're all good, yeah?" Chas said cheerfully, breaking into Robert's thoughts. 

"Yeah, it's fine." Still no eye contact from Aaron.

" So, what are your plans today, Robert?" said Chas, watching Aaron out of her peripheral vision. 

" I'm going for long walk on the beach. It's been years since I've seen it properly." 

" Oh, lovely! Aaron could go with you, couldn't you?" Robert was fascinated watching the curtain fall on Aaron's private thoughts as his mother spoke to him. The indignation and annoyance in his face was a mask, he was certain of it.

" I can't. I've got work.

" On a Saturday?"

" Some mechanics do work on Saturdays, you know?"

" You don't. I don't remember the last time you worked a Saturday. Besides, Tip wants walking. You don't mind him tagging along, do you, Robert?" Chas looked at Robert with a look only a mother can give that brooks no disagreement or refusal. Watching them both through this exchange had been incredible. There was so much clearly no spoken between them but Chas was determined to win. Robert decided to help her. 

" I don't mind at all. That would be great. Thank you Aaron." Chas beamed. Aaron glared at his mother, let out a huff and indicated Robert to follow him.

Twenty minutes later, Robert was walking up the beach with a generally silent Aaron and the largest and most beautiful Border Collie he had ever seen. Tip, as it turned out was the dog of a neighbour of Chas' who adored him but couldn't walk him as much as he needed so Aaron gave him a good run occasionally. Tip was running hell for leather after a ball that Aaron threw into the surf, kicking up sand with his claws and coating himself in it. He was radiantly happy. Robert didn't feel too bad either, despite the silence of his companion. It was getting to the point where one of them would have to say something. Robert was gearing up to start talking when Aaron stopped him with a hand on his arm, his fingers pressing gently into his arm. 

"I'm sorry for how I've acted since we met. I'm not like that really. Can we start again, please?" he said. 

"What?" 

"Start again. Hi, I'm Aaron Dingle. It's nice to meet you." Aaron extended his hand again to Robert. Robert put his hand in Aaron's and squeezed it warmly. 

"Robert Sugden. Nice to meet you too, Aaron. So, what's your story? Who are you, really?" 

Letting go of Robert's hand, Aaron smiled for the first time since they met and if beauty and perfection was to be defined, Aaron Dingle's smile on that Saturday afternoon on the beach at Barmouth would be it. They started walking again. 

"Let me see, I'm a Welsh gay mechanic with a temper and depression. I am on medication for that as you heard but as much as I know I need it, I hate taking it. I drink too much which worries my mother but it's not as bad as she thinks. I like dogs, rugby and taking long walks on the beach with someone else's dog and a stranger that I tell my life story to. What about you?" 

"Okay, I'm an English bisexual unemployed non entity who ran away to Barmouth because he needed to find himself again, who can't commit to anything be it a job or another person because he has yet to have his heart really invested in anyone or anything. I like leather jackets, fast cars and taking long walks on the beach with someone else's dog and a stranger to tell my life story to. So, yeah, I'm Robert. Nice to meet you too, Aaron." 

"Find yourself? That sounds very self-helpy. How did you lose yourself?" 

"Having too much that belonged to other people and nothing that belonged to myself. I've spent years trying to be what I'm not. Barmouth was the last place I was when I remember being truly happy. So I came back after my finace broke it off." 

"Why did she break it off?" 

"I did something not great. It's done and over with now and I wasn't even that upset about any of it so it wasn't right to begin with." 

"And you came here? You must have been desperate...."

"You are so lucky to live here. Look at it! It's perfect! You have everything you need here!" Robert gestured towards the mountains in the distance. "It's all so beautiful, Aaron" 

"To a tourist, yes. To me, not so much but I get your point. It's pretty, I give you that. So, you're bi? How does that work?" 

"How does being gay work?" 

"I like kissing boys. That's it. You?" 

"I like kissing boys and girls. That's it."

Robert smiled broadly and Aaron did too and nodded. 

"Okay, fair enough...." 

"What's it like, being gay here? Are you out?" 

"Yes. It's no secret. Some don't like it but that's their problem not mine. Are you out?" 

"Yes and no. You're the first person I've told properly. It's a thing I'm trying. Honesty at all times. I've always known it and I'm never going to deny it. The last few people I was with were all women and I didn't tell them." 

"But you've told me?" 

"Yes."

"Why?" 

"I don't want to hide it from you. It would feel like a lie. I don't want to do that with you. Does that make sense?" The question hung in the air for a moment longer than it should and Aaron nodded.

"I feel the same way. If you'd been anyone else overhearing us this morning it wouldn't have ended well for you." 

"I get that. I'm sorry, that was private." 

"It's fine. Don't ask me why but somehow it is. Why did your fiancee break off your engagement?" 

" I told you. I did something." 

"You also said honesty at all times. So if that's true, why?" 

"We only met yesterday. How are we discussing this? Ugh, okay. I cheated on her. With her head bridesmaid." 

Robert smiled, expecting Aaron to find it funny. Aaron stood stock still, his eyes on the horizon watching Tip jump over the waves and running around. 

"Why did you do that? Didn't you love her?" He said, clearing his throat afterwards.

"No. I'm not proud of it, Aaron" 

"But you would have married her?" 

"Probably not, actually. It wasn't working. I did it because I was.....bored? Greedy? I don't know, it wasn't right but there it is." 

"Right. My ex cheated. He never told me why. Made me feel pretty fucking worthless though." 

"Then he was an idiot. No one should ever do that to you. He wasn't right for you. The right one would never do that to you." 

Aaron looked Robert right in the eye and had a lovely half smile on his face. 

"Do you fancy a drink?" 

"Absolutely." 

********

That drink after dropping an exilerated, wet and filthy Tip back to his owner who was outside armed with his hose pipe and a towel, extended into lunch, followed by a game of pool that Robert won easily, which extended into another walk, this time on the cliffs above Barmouth. They were sat in the long grass after a hard uphill climb. It was the late afternoon and they had been talking all day about everything and nothing. It had been lovely and totally relaxed. Robert couldn't remember the last time this had felt so easy. Usually Robert was doing his schtick, pulling out old jokes, made up stories to seem impressive and tried to be what the other person wanted. With Aaron, Robert could breathe. This new sensation was a tiny green shoot peeping out of concrete. He loved it. It was Aaron's idea to go to the cliffs. 

"Barmouth looks so beautiful from up here" 

"Abermaw" 

"What?" 

"That's this town's name. Abermaw. Not some bastardised English translation of a perfectly fine Welsh name. Abermaw." 

"Do you speak much Welsh?" 

"Not as much as I'd like. I've got your lot to thank for that." 

"What do you mean?" 

"The English did everything possible to destroy our language, our culture and our sense of idenitity going back centuries. But we held on to it. We're stubborn and we don't let go of it. Because if we do, it means you win." 

"So if there was a vote on Welsh independence, you'd back it?"

"All I know is that one day this land will be free and independant again as it always should have been. I may not live to see it but Cymru will be a free nation in her own right again. She will." 

"Well for what its worth, I'm sorry on their behalf" 

"It's not you. But it's not fair either that my country was treated that way or still is. We're not given the respect we deserve and it makes me angry."

"You seem very passionate about it." 

"You see this?" Aaron shrugged his jacket off his shoulder and lifted his t shirt sleeve to show more of his dragon tattoo. Robert realised that the rest of the design ran over his shoulder. He touched it gingerly. Aaron didn't seem to mind. 

"Yeah, it's impressive."

"That's Owain Glyndwr. I named him after the last true Prince of Wales. The greatest Welshman to have lived. He staged a revolt against the English and nearly ran them out but lost. Everything could have been so different." 

"You named your tattoo?" 

"Yeah. It sounds mad and I get that but Owain helps see my demons off. I only got it last year." 

"Why is it blue? The Welsh dragon is red on the flag" 

"Blue is my favourite colour. He helps me fight my blues and he kind of represents the kind of man I want to be. I want to be fiercely protective, a fighter. I don't want to lie down and let my depression over run my life" 

"Did it hurt?"

"It hurt a lot but I didn't mind. Mam hates it but I love it." 

"That's all that matters. That you love it." 

Robert looked up and he realised how close he was to Aaron. His mouth was only three inches away from Aaron's and those beautiful eyes were looking right into his. This felt right. For the first time in a long time, this felt so right. Not as a way of distracting himself from being bored, not for the thrill of having what he shouldn't but just because it was right. Robert shifted his position slightly to get closer to Aaron. His eyes asked the question and Aaron's slight smile provided the answer. Leaning in, Robert kissed Aaron gently. His mouth was full, soft and promising. Aaron made a sound of satisfaction that was at once so soft and so sexy. His hand found Robert's cheek and their kiss deepened. It left them both slightly dizzy and breathless when they finished. Aaron laughed and kissed his cheek, shyly.

"Croeso i Abermaw, Robert"


	4. Chapter 4

Robert woke up the next day with very achey legs but happier than he had been for ages. He closed his eyes briefly and tried to remember the feeling of Aaron's beautiful mouth against his. Even the echo of the memory made his chest glow. They hadn't kissed again but Robert didn't mind. That space between them seemed sacred somehow and any other kiss needed time and space to happen organically. It would have been so easy to throw himself into this but this had to be right. If he really wanted this to be for real, it needed time. 

It's been two days. You've known Aaron for two days, you utter prat...

But he knew what Aaron's mouth felt like, what sounds he made, the rightness of that moment.....it was amazing. He felt giddy with it. Aaron's passion for his country was sexy too. He'd never met someone like that before. They had watched the sun dip behind the horizon before they walked back to the guest house, slowly, not wanting to get there really. 

"Do you live here?" He asked Aaron. 

"With Mam? No. God, no. I love her but we can't live together." 

"Why?" 

"I need my independence. It's easier for us if we have some space. But that's a story for another day." 

"Okay. Tomorrow? Not for that story but to hang out again? It's Sunday after all..." 

"Okay. Tomorrow. Goodnight, Robert." That slight, lovely smile played on that beautiful mouth again.

"Goodnight, Aaron." 

That had been that. Aaron had walked off and had left Robert with the feeling butterflies at the thought of the morning and what tomorrow would bring. 

Robert showered, dressed and made his way down to breakfast. He was one of only five guests in the Guest House but Chas was beaming as she served a family of four their breakfast and joked with the mum about how much food it takes to keep a family going. She turned around and saw him and her smile became much more natural. 

"Morning, love! How did you sleep?" 

"Really well, thanks." 

"Good. Full English?" 

" No, just some toast and coffee would be great, thanks." 

"Okay. How was Aaron yesterday?" 

"He was great. We spent all day together."

"Did you?" 

"Yeah, he's great. I like him a lot. He's very passionate about Wales, isn't he?" 

"Oh, love, if I had a pound for every time he cried at the national anthem, I'd be a rich woman. Even as a boy, he would burst into tears. He's a sensitive soul." 

"Where does that come from?"

"His dad, Gethin. He was Aaron's hero and gave Aaron so much of his time. Part of that was rugby and with rugby comes the anthem and other songs and stories. It's all part of the culture. He loves it. If Aaron could make me Welsh with a snap of his fingers, he'd do it in a heartbeat." 

"Where is Gethin now?" 

"He died when Aaron was twelve. Heart attack. It's been very hard since then for us." He saw her eyes water and she took a deep breath. "Anyway, toast and coffee, right?" 

"Yes, thanks. I'm sorry, Chas. About Gethin, I mean." 

"Thanks, love. It was a long time ago but sometimes it just hits you. He was the best man I've ever known. He made me so happy." She gave him a sad smile and went to get his breakfast.

After he had eaten, Robert left the guest house for a walk. He was determined to take in this beautiful place for as long as it was his to take. He walked to the harbour and sat and watched the boats bobbing up and down in the water. It was still early and Barmouth was quiet. His mind kept wandering back to Chas, Aaron and the depth of pain that lay between them. Chas loved Aaron, he could see that without question. Raising a grieving, heartbroken twelve year old boy into a man alone while dealing with her own grief must have been an almost impossible task. He wondered how she had managed it. She had lost a loved partner but Aaron had lost his father and hero. God knows he knew that pain....

His phone vibrated in his pocket. There were exactly two numbers in his phone now. Aaron and the guest house. He liked it that way. His life had gotten so complicated. He liked this simplicity. It was better. A text from Aaron

"Still want to hang out today?" 

It wasn't even 9am. He had woken up and sent that immediately. Robert knew it. And loved it. 

"Absolutely. When, where?" he wrote. 

"Beach again? Shall I bring Tip? Are you up? Is that okay? X"

Why were four questions one after the other such an adorable thing to see? And a kiss at the end. This was getting better by the second. 

"Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. X" he wrote

"Cool. Jetty. 20 mins. X" 

Robert turned around and started to walk up to where they had started yesterday.   
He couldn't wait to see him again and felt like a child on Christmas morning waiting for him. This was silly and so exciting. He didn't want to analyse this fragile, beautiful feeling yet because that in itself was too much to deal with. 

Just ten minutes later, he saw a hurried looking Aaron walking with a very enthusiastic Tip who was pulling on his lead to get to Robert. Tip reared up onto his back legs in greeting and Robert laughed while stroking him. 

"Good morning to you too, Tip! How are ya, boy? Morning, Aaron" 

"Morning. How did you sleep?" 

"Really well. My legs are aching but I'm good." 

"We don't have to do this today if you don't want to." 

"Of course I do! I'm just not used to all the exercise. I'll cope." 

They walked for a while not saying much to each other. Silences were always uncomfortable places for Robert with other people. He had always had a kind of fear that silence meant a lack of interest in him and awkwardness. He was learning silence could mean relaxed companionship too. They had been walking for some time when Robert looked down and found he was holding Aaron's hand. He squeezed gently and Aaron looked too. Aaron squeezed back. 

"I think we need to talk." Aaron said. 

"Okay. Talk."

"What is this? I've known you for barely three days and I'm walking on the beach holding your hand and it feeling like the most natural thing to do....I don't know you but I feel like I do and this should feel weird but it just doesn't and.... I want to kiss you again." 

"So do I. I feel the same. I don't get it either but I feel the same. This is crazy but I'm okay with it. Are you?" 

"Yeah. Look, I want to tell you something and I don't know what you're gonna say. But like you said yesterday, I don't want to not tell you anything." 

"Okay. What is it?" Robert's heart began to pound like a drum. 

"My ex that cheated on me got in touch yesterday. I didn't have my phone on me but when I got back to mine, he'd text me. He wanted to talk. So I called him. He was my friend for a long time before we got together and I do still care for him as a friend. He wanted another chance."

Robert dropped his hand and looked at the floor, his toes making patterns on the sand, waiting to be thrown away. Aaron reached for his hand and raised his chin so he was looking him in the eye. 

"No, don't do that. That's what I'm trying to say. I said no. I told him I had met someone else. I told him that I was happy. I told him that I had moved on. I just wanted you to know that. It felt wrong not to tell you." 

"Why? It's none of my business." Eyes on the ground again. 

"Don't be an idiot. Of course it's your business. Robert, it's weird and I know it's at lightning speed and we really need to slow down but I think this could be something special and I don't do this usually. It takes me months to say anything but with you it's totally different. I want to see where this could go, do you?" 

Robert stood still and looked at Aaron. What he saw written on the face of this amazing man made his heart race. Aaron's eyes were huge and he was trembling. It dawned on Robert how much it was costing Aaron to say this. A man who struggled with feeling worthy was putting himself on the line for the possibility of something amazing. With him. He smiled, cupped Aaron's face in his large hands and kissed him deeply. Aaron's fingers dug into his arms and pulled him close about the waist. This kiss was beautiful, like being home. When they finished, Robert put his forehead on Aaron's. 

"Do you think Tip would mind if we cut his walk short?" 

"I'm sure he won't mind." 

"Good. I want to look at you." 

"Come home with me then"

"Oh, I was hoping you'd say that...."


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter Five 

Aaron let them into the hallway that his tiny flat above one of the shops on the High Street came off of with a warning that it wasn't tidy and a tight smile of apprehension. Robert thought he could not get any lovelier. He got the feeling that this was a privilage very few people got to have and he was proud to have been let in. Digging into his pocket for his key, Aaron's breathing became harsher. He put the key in the lock and looked around at Robert before opening it, his eyes a little startled. Robert cupped his cheek with his hand and gave him a small smile. 

"Are you okay?" 

"I just want you to know....I don't do this all the time. I'm not in the habit of doing this. Bringing men home with me, I mean. But you're different. You're always different." 

"Aaron, we don't need to do anything you don't want to do. We can just hang out if you like. I don't expect anything. You know me better than that, dont you?" 

"Yeah, I'm sorry. Have I messed this up?" 

Robert kissed him gently in answer. Aaron turned around and let them in the door. Aaron's little flat was messy but very cosy. There was a kitchen that was just off the living area and beyond that two doors for a bathroom and a bedroom. There were clothes scattered around and plates on the countertops. 

"It's a mess. I'm sorry." 

"Don't be silly, I like it. It's nice" 

Aaron stood in the middle of the living room, shuffling and fidgeting with his clothes. He was obviously uncomfortable. Robert's heart swelled to see it. He reached out and took Aaron's hand, a long stablising breath was released by Aaron at the touch of him.

"Are you okay?" Robert offered soothingly. Aaron looked up at him and the ghost of a smile flickered at the corner of his mouth. 

"I feel like I'm about to jump off a cliff without a bungee cord.....I don't mean that in a bad way....I just...." 

Aaron reached out for Robert's face and kissed him deeply. His fingers were in Robert's hair and he moaned as that spark between them burst into flame again. Aaron made short work of his coat and his cold hands were being warmed by the fever in Robert's skin. Robert kissed back and pushed Aaron's coat off him to find he was wearing a simple black jumper and jeans underneath. He started to lift the jumper up before Aaron stopped him. 

"No, wait, Rob...." 

"What?" 

"I think I need to tell you something so if you want to go, you can and no hard feelings, alright? You said that you told me you were bi because it felt wrong to keep it from me. Not telling you this feels wrong to me. Before we do this if you still want to" 

"Whatever it is, I'll still want to do this, I promise" Robert smiled and kissed him briefly. 

"God, I hope so. I have scars. All over me. I went through a really bad time when I was a teenager. My mind was a really dark place and I would hurt myself to cope. I was being bullied because I'm gay and my dad died.... " 

"I know. About your dad. Your mum told me." 

"What did she say?"

"Just that he was your hero. That he taught you all about Wales and the history of it. And how much losing him hurt you both."

Aaron took a sharp breath and his eyes watered and reddened. 

"I wish she hadn't told you that." 

"Why?" 

"Because I wanted to tell you that at some point."

"Aaron...." 

"No, let me finish what I was saying. I need to tell you all of it.....when I was seventeen, I tried to kill myself. I had become uncontrollable. I was drinking, stealing cars, dealing. I was a mess. Mam went through hell because of me. I couldn't cope with it all anymore so I locked myself in my dad's old garage, in his car and I turned it on and I waited to die. The only reason I'm not dead is because a friend of ours found me. I was rushed to hospital and they only just got me back. I was ill for a long time and it was decided I needed inpatient psychiatric care. I was in the hospital there for three months. It sorted me out. I'm on meds now as you heard and I'm doing alright. But I still have my scars. I'm scared to show you. I'm not used to this." 

Robert looked Aaron right in the eye and saw how deeply scared he was. Tears were trailing down his cheeks. Robert tilted his head up and kissed the paths those tears made. He kissed Aaron's forehead, eye lids, the tip of his nose and finally his mouth. 

"Show me. Trust me. I'm not gonna be scared off by that. Whatever it is here between us, its bigger than being scared by proof of your pain, Aaron." 

Aaron nodded slightly and Robert lifted the black jumper up and off of him. Aaron had not been exaggerating for effect. His chest which was toned, broad and muscular, powerful arms and flat stomach were littered by scars both large and small. The biggest was a curved, almost half moon shape on his left forearm. Robert reached out and touched it with his finger. 

"That one almost had me off. Sepsis." 

"My God, Aaron......" Robert was concentrating so hard on the silvered lines on his skin, his face looked hard as rock, lined with disgust when his eyes met Aaron's. Shock, grief and horror filled Aaron and he went to get his jumper that had been dropped on the floor. He scrabbled to put it back on. 

"It's fine. You can go. I shouldn't have showed you. Go, Robert..." 

"No, Aaron, no!" 

"You're disgusted, Robert! Look at you, it's written all over your face!" 

"I am not disgusted, Aaron. I was just looking at you. I promise I'm not. Trust me. Please." 

"This is really hard for me, you know" 

"I know and I'm sorry. I swear, it's okay. I promise it is." 

Aaron nodded and Robert slowly removed the jumper and really looked at this man in front of him. He was breathtaking. Aaron's breathing was becoming ragged and broken as he stared at Robert half daring him to reject him. Robert slowly removed his own top and with his right hand lifted Aaron's left forearm to his mouth and kissed the scar there. 

"Do you still do it?" 

"No. Well, I try not to. It's a war I fight every day not to." 

"Owain helps you with that, doesn't he?" 

"He does. You haven't seen all of him yet. Look..." 

Aaron turned around and the body of the dragon curved up and around his shoulder before dropping to the middle of his back, the end of Owain's tail coming to a point at the end. 

"He's beautiful. So are you..." Robert lay his palm flat between Aaron's shoulder blades and felt the warm smooth skin there. 

"Don't flatter me. I know what I look like." 

Robert kissed the base of Aaron's neck and then hugged him from behind. Aaron's head rested on his forearm and he brought his hands up to touch Robert's arms. 

"Thank you for showing me." 

"My scars or Owain?" 

"Both." 

"They're who I am. Can you deal with that?" 

"Your scars or Owain?" 

"Both." 

"Gladly. Willingly. Yes. It's always yes for you."

Aaron turned his head to look at Robert. The brilliant light blue of those eyes and that full, gorgous mouth could say anything to him and he would believe it. 

"You've known me for two days." 

"Does that really matter?" 

"No. I don't think it does. Does it to you?" 

"No." 

Aaron turned around fully and kissed Robert. He shyly reached for the zipper of Robert's jeans, undid it and slid his hand inside. Robert's heart pounded, his breath panting as he kissed Aaron deeper and more urgently. Aaron nipped Robert's lower lip as his hand moved. 

"Why don't you show me how little it matters? My bedroom is through there. Are you ready?" 

Robert's only reply was a brief nod before Aaron took him by the hand and led him into his bedroom. 

 

 

Later, the two bodies on the bed lay there exhausted on the twisted sheets. They were each lying on their stomachs looking   
at each other, not speaking, shaking and devestated by each other. Robert extended his hand and held Aaron's, who squeezed it lightly. 

"Are you okay?" Aaron whispered.

"Yeah.....I....it's never been like that before..."

"I know. Not for me either...." 

"I've never done that before. With a man, I mean" 

Robert's voice was bashful and slightly embarrassed. He dropped eye contact. It hadn't meant to say it but as with everything else where Aaron was concerned, he couldn't help himself. 

"What? Why didn't you say?" 

" I don't know....I'm sorry" Aaron stroked his cheek and lifted his chin to make Robert look at him.

"Not at all?" 

" The odd encounter in clubs perhaps but not any more. Nothing like that. That was so much more....." 

Aaron grinned and kissed him. Lying back down, he stroked Robert's face with gentle fingers. Whatever power or blessing that had brought this man into his life, he thanked it silently. 

"So I was your first?" 

"And last I think." 

Robert waited for Aaron to be horrified. He would have been to say it had it been anyone else but whatever it was that had compelled him to lie and skate over his feelings in the past, wouldn't allow him to with this man. 

"Robert....." 

"You think this is all way too fast, don't you? I get that. I've known you less than three days and I havent felt so good and so much in ages. In years, Aaron, I mean it, I've been living not a life for so long..." 

"I love you" Aaron interrupted suddenly. 

"What?" 

"You heard me. I love you. I want to be your last. I know its crazy and God knows, the world will have it's opinion but yeah....I love you. My dad told me I'd know. I do..." 

"I love you too" he replied quickly. "People have said that to me before but I've never felt it. I feel it with you. I love you." 

Robert grinned his wide, spectacular grin that seemed to split his face in two with it's power and he kissed Aaron again and again, scooting underneath him. Aaron pulled the duvet over them and Robert held Aaron close to him, his legs splayed wide and feet hooked around Aaron's calf muscles. Aaron broke their kiss and looked at Robert as if he were a rare and beautiful gift. 

"Can I ask you something?"

"Of course."

"Who are you? Where do you come from? Who are your parents? Where did you grow up? Why did it take you so long to find me?" The last question was whispered and broken.

"Are you crying, Aaron?" 

"No. I'm happy. That's all. It's a lot to find someone like you and be like this so quickly. I'm happy...so, who are you?" 

"I am Robert Jacob Sugden. I was born on 22nd April 1986 to Jack and Sarah Sugden. I grew up near York and we came here every summer for a holiday. My mother loved Wales. She said it was where her soul could come to heal. It's why I came here. It was where I was last happy. Before now, of course." 

Aaron shifted his position so he was laid on Robert's right hand side, his head on Robert's chest and Owain splashing colour across Robert's stomach. 

"What happened?" 

"They were having an arguement on the car on the way home. We'd left late because it was a beautiful day and Mum wanted to be at the beach. Dad was annoyed because he didn't like driving in the dark but Mum insisted as the rest of the weather that week had been so up and down. She wanted Victoria to build sandcastles and for me to play footie with some of the local boys. I bet you were there and I didn't know it!" 

"Is Victoria your sister?" 

"Yeah. Well, we had ice cream and played all day. We had fish and chips and watched the sunset and then got in the car. Dad wasn't an easy man. He snapped at her a lot on car journeys. He got stressed easily and he was already on edge when we left. My mum had read the map wrong. She told him to go one way and not the other and when he realised she'd made a mistake, he screamed at her. Mum was shouting back and crying. Victoria was crying. I was begging him to stop. He didn't listen. There was a turn coming up. I put my hand on his shoulder and he snarled at me.....he.....he..." 

Aaron tightend his arm around Robert and held his hand as Robert cried. Aaron brought Robert's hand to his mouth and kissed it before kissing his cheek and the hot, salty tear that slid down it. 

"Shhh, you don't need to push yourself. We can talk about this another time, if you want..." 

"He called me a bastard. My own father called me a bastard. He looked like he hated me. He didn't see the turn. He swerved and drove straight into a lorry coming around the blind bend. The car was rammed off of the embankment and over the edge. I don't remember all of it. I don't remember the fall. Just Mum screaming. She screamed and screamed. Until she stopped. They both died that day." 

"What about Victoria?" 

"She was in a bad way for a while. She pulled through but....she was paralysed. We didn't have any grandparents to take care of us. I was 14 and she was 8. We were put into care. We were separated. I don't know where she is." 

"My God, Robert...."

"I've never told anybody this before." 

"It's okay. You don't have to say if its too much..."

"No, I wanna talk about it. I need you to know what I am" 

"Okay. What were your foster family like?" 

"Which ones? I was placed with 8 different families in two years. No one wants older boys. Too much trouble, you see. When I was 16, I finished school and moved to London. I lost myself there. I was young and green as grass. It wasn't great. I waited tables, cleaned office buildings, cleaned cars. All while barely having a roof over my head. I had no one I could turn to. I regularly worked 15 hour days and barely had enough. It never got so bad that I had to turn tricks but I knew people who did. It's easy money but I couldn't help but think about Mum. I wanted to make her proud and it was too scary to think about. Not everyone has it in them to be so sentimental." 

"Don't they?" Aaron whispered. He was lying with his head on the heel of his hand, staring intently at Robert. Robert was staring at the ceiling, far away now. 

"I'd eat every other day and even then not much more than fruit and sandwiches I'd make. Food is expensive. I just wanted to keep my little bedsit. All my money went on that. I couldn't face being homeless. I'd seen too much of that to see what it entails. But then I got lucky. One of the offices I cleaned in was run by a guy I would talk to as I cleaned really early in the morning. His name was Rufus and he offered me a proper job. A 9-5. He said I was smart and I could do it and I did. It started me off and after a lot of crap, here I am." 

"You made your Mam proud." 

"I wouldn't go that far. I've cheated on pretty much every woman I've ever been with. I just leave. The feelings switch off and I leave." 

"Would you do that to me?" 

Robert looked Aaron dead in the eye then and he cursed himself inwardly for being so stupid. Aaron averted his gaze. Robert grabbed Aaron's hand. 

"Look at me, Aaron. You're the only person I've told about this. I swear I would never do that to you. Never." 

"We'll see...." 

"No, really! This is so much more than any of those other relationships. I was always looking for you. I just didn't know where you were. I have an idea." 

Robert sat up in bed and positioned himself so he sat opposite Aaron. He took Aaron's right arm in his left hand and touched the top of Owain's head with his right hand. 

"I swear on the memory of Owain Glydwr, the last true Prince of Wales that I will never betray you in any way, Aaron. I love you." 

"You're swearing on my tattoo?" 

"If Owain is important enough to you for you to name your tattoo after him, he's important enough to swear on." Robert was being completely serious. There was no levity in his face at all. Aaron nodded and touched Owain's head, putting his own hand over Robert's. 

"In that case, I swear on the memory of Owain Glyndwr, the last true Prince of Wales, that I will trust you in every way. I love you." 

Robert grinned at Aaron, held his face and kissed him again. They lay down together, Robert's head on Aaron's chest, his back being stroked by a gentle hand. 

"Aaron?" 

"Yeah?" 

"No one else has ever come close. It's you. You know?" 

"I know" 

Silence filled the room and they fell asleep, wrapped up in each other, warm and heavy, Owain keeping watch.


End file.
